bleached light

~May 2013~

Days come when you feel disappointed with yourself, with what you do, your craft. Today is one of those, unfortunately.

I feel unproductive despite my photos. I feel upset with myself because I can't produce the results I want. Sometimes, I don't even know what I want. I can't find my style, I don't know who I am. There are days I'm thoroughly saddened when I see artists especially the ones younger than me achieve the shots I want. And I let myself be eaten by insecurity that I don't want to hold my camera. Many things I blame, this and that, but I know in myself that all I need is to make time, create, be consistent.

There are times I don't feel I exist in the world I want to be visible in. I had a quick chat with a friend one time, and she too struggles with it. We are lost, looking for the tribes we belong to. People who appreciate us, who think like us and who can hone us. We wanted a community to belong to. And just recently, I think I found something simple that I don't have to look for more or over-think.

I found out that I'm not a photographer per se, but one who encourages. Nor a writer, but a dreamer and thinker who shares. Not a traveler, but a seeker of new places and things to try. All these labels of "what we (literally) do aka job that defines us" are not who we really are, in the surface maybe, all that is seen. But there's always more to us. And it's up to us to find our meaning.

I particularly found out that my work cater on one-on-one's. It's not "mass-attention-worthy", but touches one person and that's it. This one person whom I don't really know personally connects to the work, to a depth I really don't understand, in the end thanks me. And I know I created art. It's weird but reassuring. It's a running theory. It's fascinating.

The thing is, art cannot be completely achieved, it's a working progress and it doesn't end. And this, I say to myself now. I think I'm going to be alright.