alive in the new days

October 2015

I walk and walk. And walk. It soothes me. One foot after the other against concrete, warmth covering the soles of my shoes. Buildings, tall, small, old and new, they squeeze me into something familiar, something safe. It's beautiful in some way, yet there's this unease deep within that wants to escape.

Let go. Do what you're afraid of. Pursue the very thing you've always wanted. What's stopping you?

Easier said than done; it's always been like that, hasn't it?

I'm right in the middle of my mid-20's and it's still the same: it's scary. A day job to support passion, the same old questions, the same old doubts and some more, the same feeling of being not good enough. It's tiring. And the worse part? I'm getting used to it. Like somehow, it's okay. Is this called growing up? Is this when you shrug and say, "Well... Life happened," and walk away?

I met with the mother of one of my all-time favorite photographers Nirrimi and her name is Donni. She came to the Philippines to have a certain surgery and we had coffee one Sunday. She asked me all of a sudden, "So, what are your dreams?" I remember averting my eyes and not really answering the question.

So well, what are my dreams again? Here was this woman -- an awesome, talented, hardworking mum who actually made it through tough life, who made me feel that I can do anything and that I can continue my dreams, and yet I was scared of blurting out what's in me. Over time, it has been the hardest to answer -- out loud. I knew and I knew, yet I was too afraid to say it, declare it, share it.

When I got out of the hospital, I booked a ticket to continue my planned birthday trip. Not close to full recovery but I was okay to be alone far away. I knew I needed it. Long walks in the beach, teasing with the unpredictable weather, communing with sunlight and the ocean, silence and thoughts. A whole lot of it was taking time to rebuilding faith, believing in the confidence in Him who first loved me. I came back to the city recharged, hopeful, and flying.

I came back to the city and a few days later, that question popped out. Confronted, I knew that shouldn't have been my reaction. Now as I think about it, I'm convinced I should dump that attitude completely.

Because it doesn't depend on me -- at all. These dreams are here because I believe they point to our particular purpose. A calling just for us to fulfill. A life unique on its own. We may not understand the whole picture, but it's there.

So whatever it is, I'll keep at it. Always and always. Never stopping. Trusting on His perfect timing.

October is a month alive, filled with hope that things are getting better. Yes, it is scary, and the questions and doubts are the same, and I bet they will be until I finish my days. But I shouldn't be discouraged... I believe as humans we're called to rise above our circumstances, our emotions, our confusion and uncertainties. I'm convinced this short, short life is meant to be enjoyed, thoroughly and completely, that it is not only for me but more so for the people who surround me. In that, I rest my case that these dreams are made to serve others, and in chasing them, true joy will abound.

So let's keep at it, shall we?

With the lovely Donni

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I would love to know your thoughts and stories. I know I'm not alone in this, so if you feel like sharing, let's go for coffee. I'd love to meet you! The message form is just below.