3 important things i realized in isolation

It seems so trivial to be writing about this when everywhere in the world is chaotic. I decided to limit my consumption of news early on, trying to learn only the facts and not dwell on the negativity around it. I did try to absorb a lot before and when I realized I was having short breaths afterwards, I stopped. I deleted the Facebook app too to stop the mindless scrolling and the overwhelming info from too many voices. I needed to distance. I've been trying to keep a healthy balance since then.

This balanced news consumption and distancing has kept me sane. It has allowed me to keep myself intact while everything is happening on the outside. I think that it's very important too especially nowadays, to take care of your mental health. Because it's true; whatever happens to me has a direct effect on those who are with me. So I try to keep it a priority, balancing.

Last month though, I don't know what happened but I've filled my notebook with ideas. My notes app has a lot of scribbles. Thoughts just kept on popping up. And out of the blue, like literally when I was looking at the clear blue sky one day, I started realizing some things.

1. I realized I should be kind to myself.

I've always thought that I was already kind to myself. I take care of me physically, emotionally, mentally, trying to inject balance in all areas. But then what I realized about me is something deeper than that, like a wake up call of sorts.

I realized that somehow I've been discounting myself of what I deserve. The truth is I don't want to become entitled to anything, resulting to me actually thinking that whatever good happens to me is something I just don't deserve. In a way it is, but also in another way, I partly did something to receive whatever that good thing is, BUT I don't acknowledge it. I don't know what you call it but I realized I might be belittling myself.

And then it just unraveled. I like saying sorry. When I knock on my boss's open door, the first word that I utter is "sorry". My boss pointed that out; he was actually waiting for me to say it and then he told me about it. "What are you sorry for?" Yes, what the heck am I sorry for?

I don't like being a bother, or feeling like a dead weight, or taking someone's time. That's why no matter how friendly I am, I step back the moment I feel I'm being a bother or when I feel unwelcome. And I just realized how sensitive (might be too sensitive) I am when it comes to this. I realized I already feel like I'm bothering the person even before I talk. And for that, I am sorry. Sorry to myself for thinking that way.

This thing about being sorry eventually led me to realize that I need to stop trying to fulfill certain expectations of me. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and familty to bits, but sometimes I just don't know how to say 'no' to them. Not sometimes actually, it's more of most times. 😅 I could care less what people think of me, but what my family thinks? It means the world to me. But then I think it comes with age; I realized no matter how good of a daughter I am, the expectations would just get higher and higher and they become thoroughly unreachable. To be fair, I'm not so sure if it's anyone's fault. My parents raised me to do my best in everything which created (1) me achieving things, and (2) eventually more new expectations of me. Come to think of it, it's a nasty cycle and we need to break it together.

This unfulfilling of expectations made me realize that I become guilty and that I blame myself for the thing not being fulfilled. I realized it is so unhealthy to do and I need to stop pressuring myself, to stop being unkind.

All in all, I realized that although I'm very much aware of all my ragged edges, I could be too kind, too polite, and too modest—and too modest to admit it. And this being "too kind" makes me unkind to myself. Does that make sense?

2. I realized I should celebrate me.

Maybe it's an effect of my unconsciously being unkind to myself but I realized that I'm trying to fit in this one mold I, myself, made for me.

When I can't. I realized I can't fit into one mold. I realized I'm the one who's limiting me, trying to organize me. So, I told myself that once and for all, I'll not be just one—I'll just not be a photographer. I'll forever be a multitude of creative things—I'll always be a writer, a traveler, a poet (sometimes), and hobbyist interior designer, a scrapbooker, a template designer, a marketer, a salesperson, a routine lover, an intellectual conversation pursuant, an introvert, a talkative introvert, a feeling-thinker, a thinker, a sun-lit sky drinker, a dreamer, a daydreamer. I realized I'm just everything and that I should stop organizing myself every chance I get.

I told myself that I should start doing whatever makes me feel light and connect with others without having the intention of it being profitable, or sellable, or anything that can give something in return. I'm going to allow myself to do whatever I want creatively, just because I want to. And that I think, will give me one of life's greatest joy, contentment, and balance. I realized I should celebrate all of me.

3. I realized newness doesn't have to be every three years.

I've always been like this. I love good changes, and I always challenge the normal and my normal. I love adding value in my life. But I realized I have to improve my pacing, to know when to move and when to stay. To keep calm when I want to rush a decision to get things done. To breathe deeply when I want to say important things and my feelings.

I realized my life used to turn around every three years. I try to pattern it with seasons, but it somehow felt new every three years (at least in my 20's). Sometimes it's the circumstances, most of the time though, it was me disrupting it. I don't know if I subconsciously feel bored that I become restless and I want something new in my life. Complicatedly, for me, it's not material things that I want new; it's more of a life adventure. But I realized it doesn't have to be new every three years and that it's up to me. For now I need to learn how to be okay while I stay put.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I hope I got it through.

2020 sucks. But the funny thing is, it might have forced the world to stop, but it gave way and time for people to stop too, reflect, and go back inside. No matter what, I'm thankful for the privilege.

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