One night, I stared blankly into the dark, thinking and worrying about my future. I told myself, "Shoot, I'm only 24 -- this is gonna be a looong time of making decisions." Then I cried. Crazy, sarcastic me formed into a ball, all pretense of defense out the window. I just cried. I knew even in the dark I looked the scariest shade of ugly, and I didn't mind.
I asked God between silent sobs, "God, which was the wrong decision that I made?"
He asked me, "What was the decision that you regret?"
I couldn't answer it. I tried, asked myself a couple of times, racked my brains out, but no matter how I try finding one, there was no decision that I've made that I could say I regret. It must be that I don't believe in regrets.
"Well, babe, that's your answer."
Then I cried again. After looking ugly some more, I psychoanalyzed myself (reflected is the gentler term).
When I left my first job of all comforts, did I regret it? No. Why? Cause I followed my heart and tried something that I'm passionate about. When I pulled out from that so suddenly and got myself into a community of selfish bosses, did I regret it? No. Why? Cause I found out how strong I was and how much I've underestimated myself. When I accepted my current job, did I regret it? No. Why? Cause it was better. Cause if anything didn't happen the way it happened, I wouldn't have met the chance that made me love myself again.
There must be something major that I regret... Am I just being too optimistic or am I just defending myself?
Did I regret any of it? Silence.
No. Why? Cause once I shook my world, once I left my comfort zone, I learned the art of being deeply grateful, and how I've taken things for granted. I found out the bad parts of me, how somehow money changed me, and saw how easy it was to be swayed and leave God behind when all I've ever needed was in front of me, flowing easily. I found myself selfish, too shallow, unfaithful.
And thank God, He did not leave me there. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am proud to say, I am better. That I am a better version, someone with a wider scope of life in general, somehow wiser, somehow deeper, a notch braver, yet more human than ever.
I realized, I'm blessed not to have everything at once, that there are challenges before I get to the end goal, and that the more challenged I am, the more sweeter the prize will be at its value, and the more ready I am to receive. He changes me, first and foremost -- and that's the clincher of every decision I made and will ever make.
"Why is it that you are worrying about your future again?"
I had no answer to that neither. So, I stopped crying and scrunching my face to ugly, and slept like a baby.
As I closed my eyes, I knew.. He's got this one -- and all the other years of decisions to come.
We've got this. He and I.
"And you know what, you're 24. You're worrying waaay too much. Enjoy it!"
