when i finally feel i'm 25

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau

It’s funny when that quote resonates so much in your life. Somewhere in me, I found it hard to believe that I actually got lost (ha! giggles). But it’s true that once you admit that you’re actually lost, that’s the time you actually begin finding you. So I did, five months ago when I decided to let go and set myself free from certain people and a major situation in my life. Much to my surprise, this whole 5-month finding myself thing is proving to be a big hit.

Things change

I was off to a great start in my previous job, really. I had a kind boss, funny colleagues, but then things changed. People inside the company changed, fake colors washed away bit by bit. I prayed about it, pushed myself to do good despite things. But then the time came when things changed for the worse. Simultaneously, I didn’t like who I was becoming inside it; I knew it was time to let go.

The first day of freedom

I’ve never woken up from bed so alive that first morning I didn’t have a job to go to. I messaged my friends and we were all ecstatic about it (probably because my ranting was finally cut off!). The weight finally lifted. I realized at that moment that I had endless possibilities right in front of me that I didn’t see when I was inside. I knew right then and there that I made the right choice... did I?

The right choice

It’s funny too, when I think about how the bad situation and the people behind it actually launched me to a better place. Projects came pouring. Shoots, collaborations, connections suddenly found me. I was resting and yet I was being blessed with all kinds of jobs. I felt like they needed me to stop doing too much, controlling too much, planning too much. When I decided to let go, it definitely felt like I was enveloped in grace – blessings I don’t deserve kept pouring over me. The thing is you don’t know if you made the right the choice the moment you decided on it; things and people will just confirm it to you.

You change

The best part of it all – you change. I changed. No, it wasn’t all easy breezy these past few months. I still have moments when I question myself, what I do, how I do things. The best yet the hardest part of this is the changing of me. There’s a grind you push yourself into, knowing that every day you change, even just a little. You try today, fail tomorrow, and maybe have a good day after. You try because you know life’s too short to be stuck where you are. You do because you want to become a better you. You want pass through this phase more alive and grown than ever.

You’re made more grateful

Every single day I wake up, I thank God for my parents. Every single day since five months ago, I thank God profusely for my parents. The duo of strength, love, faith and hope for me. The heroes I never asked to save me yet lovingly do every single time they know I can’t do it on my own. My parents who never give up on me. I know that at some point in my life, despite me being independent in almost all things after I graduated, they know that I’d need backup. At times I need them, they never fail to show up. I mean, who am I to deserve such permanent people in my life?

The things you realize

I was about to sleep one night, when I blurted out, “I feel 25”. The more I thought about it the days after, it simply rang true. It’s weird because when I wrote about it five months ago, it was the opposite. Me and my age finally agreeing and being on the same page is a big thing for me. I don’t know how but it feels true to me now more than ever.

I also realized I’m living my dreams. I mean, my eyes literally bulged when it hit me! It took a really looong time. Traveling and photographing the way I want is me living the dreams I had since I was 15. The world has so much pressure, social media telling you you haven’t done enough, but man, the things you realize when you know you’re fighting for it and that the world is no measure for who you are. We grow at our own pace, and in holding on to that truth, we simply don’t have anything to prove the world. Or instagram.

New perspective

So happy to know that I’ve grown up these past few months, and that I am still growing. Seasons are shifting and I’m glad I’m on my way too.

God heals us when we ask Him to, expands and improves us when we allow Him, and lets us dream new dreams when we listen to Him. I’m excited for what’s before me is an understatement. I have new dreams to realize, a new profound purpose backed up with a weighty reason. I may not know the specifics, but I know and trust He only has good things. I mean, just look at this, didn’t He just turn things around a full 180?