my God is not dead

I don’t know why, but He loves me. I didn’t do anything or said anything, He just decided in time that He loves me. The idea of me, my voice, the shape of my eyes, the number of strands of hair in my head, my past, my present, my future. He is infinitely into me, and I just couldn’t – CAN’T – ever understand it. What did He see in me? Why? Why me?

He always takes me back. Whenever I feel too cool to be needing Him, too bright and sarcastic, too distracted, He stays silent. Or I’m just too preoccupied with myself. He patiently waits for me, follows me around, never leaving my side no matter how hard I drive Him away. He knows that I’ll be looking for Him at some point, and I know it too. I’ll be looking for Him when I fall, when I fail, when I feel too dark. I come back to Him, and He knows it. He knows me too well. And you know what? Whenever I come back to Him, all I see is a silent smile that reaches His eyes and welcoming arms that beckon me, assuring me that I have a place in His arms. I sob and sob, but He doesn’t mind. He just cradles me there until I run out of tears. And afterwards when I look at Him, He looks back at me and says, “My love for you doesn’t change.” Then I sob some more.

There are times when I ask Him what is the right thing to choose, and He just tells me, “I want you to be happy.” Sometimes I don’t get it, but He means it – whatever makes me happy. He’s got my back. He makes a way when I can’t. When I choose something that’s not necessarily the best or if I take the wrong turn, He works it out, and always in the end, it is well. He likes surprising me, He always works in the background. He’s very silent that way, that man. He doesn’t tell me all, but when He says “Trust me”, I do because I’ve seen Him do it my life too many times.

Life with Him is magic. He puts depth in everything, He makes everything complete. I may travel the world, far and wide, but if it’s not with Him, it just doesn’t feel complete. I may capture beautiful photos, but if it’s not with Him, there’s no magic, there’s no heart in my work – it would just be pretty and pretty wilts away. I may have many friends or few, but if it’s not with Him, it will be like I don’t have anyone. Because all of it wouldn’t matter. All of it will just be a waste. Everything in this universe would be for nothing if not for Him.

I’m recently reminded of why I do what I do. And it’s because of Him. It’s because of that Son of Man on the cross who took the sin and death of world to Himself, to die in my place. That Son of Man who loves without holding anything back, who loves without asking for someone to love Him back, that Son of Man who died on the cross thinking about me and the life He wants me to live. He did it for me, has taken all the lashes and whips, has taken all the shame, in my place, so that I wouldn’t go through it anymore. He saved me and He loved me even when I was just an idea. That same Man who resurrected from the grave and defeated death, who died on the cross and defeated sin. That same Man CHOSE to die and to live again for me. To be with me. To love me.

Why me? Who am I? I can’t ever understand.