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Sometimes when I look back at the past few weeks, I feel like questioning. Was I that naive to pursue something really important to me without thinking things through or just basing things on mere hope? Was it not called a plan? Why did I back down? Did I back down? Or was it all meant to be?

I’ve got so many questions I cannot answer, but I figure, it has all happened and I’m right here. A hotelier slash photographer. Funny thing though, all those that happened during the past weeks made me somehow new. It was one crazy adventure of thinking and stress and decision-making. The first day I sat down, staring at my favorite pasta. The rest, I just scrambled to stress as I hang on to Friends (the TV series) for dear life. Then one day it was my birthday and I’ve got no clue where I’m at. Or what I’m going to be.

I guess it started when I decided that I was not fit in the job, I then ran for comfort, went with the flow, got accepted, got confused. Identity-crisis. But right now, where I’m at, what I do, I love it here. I can’t explain it fully but I’m okay here. I get to do what I learned to love doing and miss doing, and what I really love doing. I can’t explain it because it’s something that happened on the inside of me that even I can’t understand. It made me a better person, if not wiser. It made me silent and love silence more. It made me see things that I can’t before. So if I ask myself, did I fail? Yes, I’ve made huge mistakes along the way, I failed and failed enormously, but I’m more complete and whole than I was four weeks ago.

I warred with this-is-as-good-as-it’s-gonna-get and hope, and it has been a journey for the young me. I cannot explain it but I’ve changed. Somewhere, somehow. You may not see it on the hair flips or jump shots, but that’s just the way it goes. Oh, mid-early-twenties.

I can’t wait to change again. But for now, here’s twenty-three where I stay.

All photos by Mama and Juliana